I had thought... that I was no longer so uncomfortable with singing out loud in front of you. At least not while it's singing along to cd or the radio. But that changed again.
A new thought is forming.
There's a trapdoor to my nerves that can trigger an anger that was stronger than I thought. An unexplainable one that takes over and leaves me fighting for control over every inch of my body: from the foot pressing harder on the gas and the hands gripping the wheel, to the expression on my face that's breaking apart; struggling to remain calm in the face a childish, unnecessary test of my patience to purposely upset me or because there's a lack of faith.
Yes, btw. This is me. Attacking you. And attacking him. Because I'm being serious. I'm trying to be firm. I am livid. I am PISSED. But more importantly, I'm upset and I'm truly hurt. I'm tired and frustrated. And it seems like no one is taking into account that the situation is just as difficult, if not more, for me as it is for anyone else involved.
Because I try to keep my mouth shut and listen to what you both have to say. I apologize. I sympathize. I try to rectify the things I do wrong. I try to reassure and restore. I swallow my pride to let you mark all my faults. I do my best to change them without being as defensive as I usually am. I let go of what I want for what you tell me you need.
But the one thing I cannot stand-- the one thing I will not back down from-- is having my patience drawn out. Having my emotions played with. Having my trust, faith, and loyalties tested. And these are the things I'm being cornered on. And I'm tired of it. I won't take anymore damage. I'm sick of being upset or hurt.
I honestly won't forgive you so easily. Even more so, I won't forget the damage. So, though I may look calm and friendly, it's really storming underneath. The way I act and what I'm actually thinking, will no longer be so easily read or honest.
From now on, a new game is starting. And it's a game I rarely lose.
~ La Anonyme
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment